So Very Painfully Humiliatingly Guilty
by eldavojohn (898314)

Judge: Would the prosecution give its opening statements in this case?
Prosecutor: Ladies & gentlemen of the jury, I have every intent to prove to you today that the defendant is not only guilty but that the warrant application that granted us the right to acquire evidence practically wrote itself! Now, I am going to outline the warning signs that were evident in the days leading up to this case. I want you to close your eyes for a second and imagine your warm and fuzzy graphical (that's geek speak for 'good') user interface of Windows XP--that all you good Christian patriots use. Ah, the field of green with a blue screen and your well known icons and start menu where everybody knows your name and system tray with your favorite purple gorilla and application bar ... and uh--who's that over there?--it's Clippy!
*pauses until he sees smiles cross the juries faces*
Prosecutor: Now, imagine that all that is taken away and you're left with the cold dark nothingness of space--like before God created the earth. The heavens and stars aren't even there. It's nothing! And there, blinking unendingly, with no remorse or care for anything good is an intimidating cursor after some letters and symbols that no American could decipher. And as you type things like "I want to order shoes on Amazon" it responds only with the cold harsh words of the devil telling you that ordering shoes on Amazon is not a valid command. And Clippy? Clippy is dead.
*takes a drink of water and smiles smugly as the jury begins to scowl*
Prosecutor: And this is what the defendant used to send that e-mail. This ... this evil operating system is what hackers use. Maybe those hackers are the same ones that stole your credit card information? Maybe this operating system can only be understood by the criminally insane? I know I can't use it. It would be like me trying to read a book in German. You know who else spoke German? Hitler.
Prosecutor: So you see, this warrant was basically granted from keystroke one after we found out that the defendant was using Linux--an operating system that encourages you to use a file sharing software to install it. The warrant is valid, I'm just asking you what else might have been done with Linux and its evil knowledge installed on that college student's head and computer. Your honor, I rest my case.